Tuesday, April 10, 2012

I wish I knew what this is about.

I really do. Honest.
So this is how it feels when you are all fucked.
And I have a semester exam to prepare for.

Choices don't seem to be so easy. And decisions suck even more.
What really do you have going when you seem stuck at one point and the world seems to be rushing past you in a haze, in a hurry?

As much as ego as I may have, it does take more than just mere human humongous effort to just sit back, let it be and see what happens. What if I lose it all? But that is the point. What if I am the only one scared to have lost it all?

Do people ever get scared of losing me like… like I do?
What if I just died and the previous time was the last they ever saw or heard of me?
Will that conversation be enough… to qualify as a fitting farewell?
Or more seriously, I need to know if I deserve one.

Most of the times, I am so sure that certain concepts of ‘general’ life cannot figure in my books.

And no one has proven things otherwise, tried to, etc. I wave the subject off, laugh it off, shake it off, sleep it off and stuff. Until in those few instances I fall, fully aware that I must have to collect myself from tatters and rise from it on my own. When no one will understand, no one will really have the time or emotion to invest in you to know exactly how you feel, what you did go through. And most painfully and atrociously, no one will notice.

It is nothing less than a curse to be living in a city with the world's 2nd largest beach and having security issues to go there alone the time you want to. Even if time is excused, aloneis suicide – moral and otherwise, I hear.

Water and solitude can do that to me.
Make me pensive. Make me ponder. Wonder. Cry. Breathe. And forget, perhaps.

When was the last time you kept a promise?
Last time you broke one?
Met someone and genuinely gave them your time and heart and soul?

Or done any of these:
Shut your ego and came down to find out if someone is okay.
Let love take over anger and your side of the story.
Sat down to value what you have.
Speak out what you really feel.
Write. Cheer. Laugh with. Be with.

Sounds too sappy. But kills to be at the receiving end.

I'm only wishing I could make more sense of what is going through my mind now and that the tears would just shut themselves somewhere and stop portraying me as weak or way too frivolous. And I’m sorry for sounding so depressing. Kinda had to put it all out, you know. Got a semester exam to prepare for.


- Just Someone.

1 comment:

minitha said...

I'm scared. I am.
Who else saw past the curls besides you?
And you don't have to be alone. I hope you know that.
You're not weak.
And do well.