Are they good or are they bad?
The answers are always inconclusive.
The answers are always inconclusive.
First things first. This is the page that will never see the light of the day. A page just for me to write, for me to keep to myself. Emotions and incidents that no other soul should ever know or hear. Or will ever be able to relate to. Maybe. Maybe not. Doesn't matter.
I can remember or relive all those relationships like it was just yesterday. The first seems to be the silliest now. I don't seem to understand it at all. Immature. And whatever kept it alive for even that long in the first place. But it had its magical moments of innocence. The fire-flies. Swimming coaching classes and the long walks back. The birthdays. Cake. Tuck shop. Stik pencils. Cards. Key-chains. The pink liquid key-chain. :) Time only seemed to take the innocence away. And with that, it had to fade away and die.
Sippy. A few months - of lies, of false promises, of cheerful talks, of fake talk that I never figured out, of smiles and support and not a single day that I remember crying because of him. The 2 minute morning calls. Jogging. Good morning. The b/w picture he first gave me. The endless pictures that followed. The long chats. Emoticons. Weird English. Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na. The day he met that accident, how he came on Yahoo to show his wounds and reassure me that he is recovering. Where did it go wrong, then?
It hurt the most. A year of denial and several months more of getting over it and I still know that deep inside somewhere, I love him for everything he gave me in life. For how single-handedly he taught me to be strong. For helping me overcome what was once my biggest weakness. Of how very close it was to the happiest ending and how everything just crashed without a warning.
Vikram. A guy I never really will understand. A guy I don't want to understand. Did he do me good? Or was he just playing around? He did seem genuine; spending all that time and quite some money on me though I genuinely hated the latter part. The 5 rupees that I would save just to make a call and hear him say 'Hello.' :) The time I'd spend loafing around the hall to pick up the call on the first few rings, the songs, the smiles, the stories, the adventures. And how it had to end so gruesomely.
At times I think Sippy went off because I started speaking with Vikram. Maybe he needed a girl who would give a damn to any other guy and worship only him - which I did do. Sippy this. Sippy that. His phone. His voice. His bike which turned out to be a lie, his house which was another lie. Surface Chemistry. :) My eyes still cloud when I see kids talking about that chapter and I ask all of them to learn the 'Zeolites' question. If I made any attempts to study that subject.. Sippy. Why did you have to go away? And make me cry? And lose hope in everything? And teach me lessons in the impossible-est way? The long evenings I would spend crying and conclude strongly that you were in a spot and you'd come back. You would come back.
Prashanth. Asshole. Why on earth did I have to meet you or get involved with you? Why did you have to respond to that story and push me to talk with you and .. everything? Why did you have to care if Sippy ever got to kiss me or not? Why not just leave me in peace? Telling your friends shit about me, making up stories of us dating. Dude. Seriously. Was I a game all along or did we really have a moment in there that you chose to overlook? All those endless nights when I slept alone and kept hearing echoes of your voice saying 'Baby, listen!' with the pause and stress on the ‘listen.’ It still gives me the shivers when someone says or types that.
Were all those ‘love you’s fake? Every single one of them? Or were you simply scared of falling in love? That four line gothic girl poem. The rest of your blog posts that sent me in a state of shock and the realization later that it had nothing to with me. That long, long mail, the last mail I ever sent you. I froze when I read that mail after typing it. I am sure you did too. And you refused to send it back to me. I’d deleted it. I needed a copy. I had mentioned about always loving you whether you chose to return the same or not, didn't I? I kept it. I still do.
We can never really be 'just friends' with the people we used to be in a relationship with. Or, hate them completely. We continue to love them; just that other things gain attention and keep the pain in a subsided level.
When I think about all of this or any one section of those days, it feels as though a part of me arises from within, a soul or some shit like that, a different layer that transcends and still finds the capacity to have those same emotions to those very same persons.
I hope all of you are doing good. It is a girl's dream to have the guy back, even if it is for just a moment to say that he misses her and is sorry to have lost her. But in a way, it is only but fitting that you have beautiful lives. For all that you gave me.
Memories and lessons.
- and my unspoken word will fade away, safe buried among the secrets of yesterday -
- Just Someone
[Photo Courtesy: LittleBlackUmbrella, Deviantart]