Thursday, October 21, 2010

The beginning.

*Dignified repose*

Now, how does that sound? Definitely not 18-year-old material to me. I think I was having in mind ‘a sneak-peek into my own self’ as the idea when I decided to name this blog. Or rather, I created this blog only so I could use that name. Makes me want to smile and stretch out and relax, every time I visit this page, see the template and read the blog name.

How many of you are sure you know yourselves? Apart from the judges that we are to our own selves, how many of us can claim to be prejudice-less spectators to our own selves? I can, as a matter of fact, step right out of what I am and witness me growing, perishing, returning, withering and even appreciate the after-glow quite picturesquely. I come across usually as this very simple girl who can laugh her heart at every simple thing that holds her in captivation. I am that. Simple things amaze me. No matter how many kids I see in a day, each and every one of them make me go ‘Aww’ genuinely. I find pleasure in surprising people. I step away a bit to see who would turn back to wonder where I have been. I write and read and I play and sing. And I wonder. How much more is there to me that I can shamelessly admit?

I love the spotlights, the attention. I love surprises. I like it when people treat me special. I love being pampered. I love when somebody manages to click a whole set of natural pictures of me, without my noticing it and I love it even more when they show it to me very casually. I love it when somebody holds my hand. I love it when my friend comes along and takes me by the shoulder, walking with me silently, clenching my arms and I love it when that silence so beautifully envelopes all the unsaid things that had been taunting me. I wish I could walk along the beach, the water just softly lapping my feet and I love it even more when a friend can walk by me, silently. I‘d love to have that same silent company while waking up in the morning at 3, lying down on the grass and waiting for the sun to rise. I wish I could wait, lying on my back, counting stars and making wishes, slowly tracing the thousand blushes the sky would send before it retreats to its personal haven to relish in the biggest secret it has been hiding from mankind since time began. I love birthday surprises. I love new clothes. Colours. Rainbows.

I wish I could keep trotting and singing by some river side when somebody would remember that I love daisies and bring them coupled with a few touch-me-nots. And once in a while, I would hear a song that someone had written for me, and smile to myself. Mid-night coffee breaks. Paint wars. Redecorating the house. Sitting on top of the terrace and watching people walk by. Just traveling. To anywhere. And, talking. 

I can talk for hours. And then, remain silent for days. At times, I wonder if I can ever explain it right to someone about how I write. Will they believe me? It took me quite some time for my own self to accept that fact, anyway. Let me try. When I write, I don’t feel like I am me. I am someone else. Some possessed soul, getting instructions from someone or something. It feels as though, in a split second, I am ripped from being who I am, and something else takes over me. I lose consciousness. Self-realization. Control over my thinking. Something keeps dictating things to me. And I just write, without giving a second thought about how silly or stupid or embarrassing anything that I write might turn out to be. And, I drop the pen. I relax. I feel like me. I don’t feel like going through what I have already written. I feel bored. I leave the piece of writing at that and go on. And later, when someone stumbles upon it and praises it, I smile vaguely. I search for what I had written and it stuns the hell out of me. How could I have written something like that? No kidding me, please. Those words sound real nice when strung together. It makes perfect sense, unlike the thoughts in my head that always wind themselves and reorder every damn minute and defy the definition of the very word confusing. I try to grasp what it was, that made me write it. It seems to simply slip away from my grasp and smile and run away at an exponentially increasing speed as I try to chase it down the corner. And then, the craze to the limelight takes over. It likes basking in the attention, in the glory. It convinces the confused part that it is purely the reason for the mastery just exhibited. And by the time a full formed doubt takes shape, the light-hearted side takes over and happily dances away with the remaining of me and makes sure that no complex thoughts force themselves into me. It makes me lazy, not wanting to explore into eluding secrets and keeps day-dreaming about the fame that will catapult me to great heights. And all along, who was it that made me write it? Or rather, what?

You don’t believe it, do you? Neither do I. And the worst part is, I don’t have a choice.
You seriously enjoyed reading through all this? Bribe me with a milkshake with ice-cream, or even better, a chocolate-filled sundae. I can go on endlessly about this.

You think I am shameless? Late realization, mate. I had figured that out some good 7 years ago. And I am still successful enough in fooling myself into believing the fact that I am absolutely the most special person alive, ever. Who knows? Maybe, I really am.


- Just Someone.

[ Picture Courtesy:  Deviantart ]


cRaZy f3lLa said...

My my my. Princess.

Awesome write up. Infact, it makes me feel as if my good ole yet improvised Princess is back.

Welcome back Princess. Welcome back.

Yeh Bestie :)

vrishali said...

:) God bless you dear

mrNumbers said...

I feel like this post is just the starting, I am expecting more. Good one!

guneet said...

Shiyaa at her best as always! :D :*

teddy said...

not every1 can write.......and yo jus cant imagine how difficult it is for me to start writin somethn nice..;);)
its great work;);)keep it up an jus don stop;);)

Fahad Y Mohammed said...

You are special.. No doubt about that.. I simply enjoyed reading this post.. Rather I would say I just loved it.. each and every sentence.. each and every word.. Though I know certain things mentioned in this post like

find pleasure in surprising people.

I step away a bit to see who would turn back to wonder where I have been.

I love when somebody manages to click a whole set of natural pictures of me, without my noticing it and I love it even more when they show it to me very casually.

I am actually amazed. I am so proud of you Junior. Love you loads. >:D< Keep it up.

siri said...

neg first: tings about ur writing will surely appeal good to a writer!!:) sorry my Nightingale
and now coming my favorite part of the blog the 3rd and 4th paragraphs!!! what do u want me to say??? that u are "one writer who uses her pen as a sword to cut down the boundaries and limits of imposed imagination to reach out u dreams of delight and pleasure" or that it was like "the writing of a lil Nightingale flying with her newly formed feathers discovering and invading the world of beauty and joy in urge to gain more and more of it..." it was splendid awesome gorgeous( if u can use it describe a writing)startling amusing wonderful beautiful superb and finally a spell bounding work!!!

siri said...

though the 5th para would appeal good to the writers the 3rd and 4th are amazing,wonderful,awesome,stunning,amusing,beautiful,splendid, and spell bounding work by the writer.... what can i say about it??? that the writer used her pen as harry potters magic broom to to reel in her world of delight or she like a lil nightingale which learnt to fly only now with her newly formed feathers is flying high to reach out the forbidden horizons of joy and fun through her writing??? love u my nightingale <3 :) :) :-*

Ayesha said...

I wondr if smeone cn describe bot their own self so beautifuly!! Its jus bynd ny1's expctatns frm an 18yr old gal!! Cute little tings wer describd nd tat made it mre special.. I hv already read it thrice in my mob nd it amazes me evrytym.. U r so so so talentd dear! Nd obviously i'm expectng alot frm u frm nw on.. :) u hv a lng way to go jun.. :)

Aparna said...

Awesome!!:)) Real nice..
Love it..

Cutie pie said...

Yu the best-test :)

Rock on gal \m/

sweety said...

Ummm.. No words! :)
N I knw u knw wat I have 2 say! :)

>:D< >:D<
You're precious! :) >:D<

silence redefined said...

sivaa.... yet another cute 1 frm yu..... loved it babe.... yu r always SPECIAL 2 me no matter hw many tons of people 'm gonna see in my life hereafter ... dont think i can find some1 lyk yu :) and i loved d description about hw yu write .... for a second it made me think of alll my past years about ma endless writing stuff..... noe i regret for havin stopped writing all together ... anyways gud work babe .... hopin for some more to come up ;) yu rock!!! \m/ <3 ya

michelle said...

woman...u can write!like hell.. and let me tell you, i dnt knw if u r specialEST person in the world or wat not, but this is good stuff.keep it up..good luck to the future of a renowned 'feature writer'!!!