I wish I knew what this is about.

I really do. Honest.

So this is how it feels when you are all fucked.

And I have a semester exam to prepare for.

Choices don't seem to be so easy. And decisions suck even more.

What really do you have going when you seem stuck at one point and the world seems to be rushing past you in a haze, in a hurry?

As much as ego as I may have, it does take more than just mere human humongous effort to just sit back, let it be and see what happens. What if I lose it all? But that is the point. What if I am the only one scared to have lost it all?

Do people ever get scared of losing me like… like I do?

What if I just died and the previous time was the last they ever saw or heard of me?

Will that conversation be enough… to qualify as a fitting farewell?

Or more seriously, I need to know if I deserve one.

Most of the times, I am so sure that certain concepts of ‘general’ life cannot figure in my books.

And no one has proven things otherwise, tried to, etc. I wave the subject off, laugh it off, shake it off, sleep it off and stuff. Until in those few instances I fall, fully aware that I must have to collect myself from tatters and rise from it on my own. When no one will understand, no one will really have the time or emotion to invest in you to know exactly how you feel, what you did go through. And most painfully and atrociously, no one will notice.

It is nothing less than a curse to be living in a city with the world's 2nd largest beach and having security issues to go there alone the time you want to. Even if time is excused, aloneis suicide – moral and otherwise, I hear.

Water and solitude can do that to me.

Make me pensive. Make me ponder. Wonder. Cry. Breathe. And forget, perhaps.

When was the last time you kept a promise?

Last time you broke one?

Met someone and genuinely gave them your time and heart and soul?

Or done any of these:

Shut your ego and came down to find out if someone is okay.

Let love take over anger and your side of the story.

Sat down to value what you have.

Speak out what you really feel.

Write. Cheer. Laugh with. Be with.

Sounds too sappy. But kills to be at the receiving end.

I'm only wishing I could make more sense of what is going through my mind now and that the tears would just shut themselves somewhere and stop portraying me as weak or way too frivolous. And I’m sorry for sounding so depressing. Kinda had to put it all out, you know. Got a semester exam to prepare for.

 ----

- Just Someone.

Sincerely, a proud arts student.

'English only, no?'

I don't have count of how many times people have told me this when I sigh a tad too loudly that there's a lot to study or way too much work to do.

To begin with, there's a lot more to the degree than the composition and comprehension luxury than 12th std last offered. There's literature from different countries, centuries, eras, feminism, criticism, linguistics, media studies, communicative studies, journalism, popular culture studies; essays, short stories, novels, movies, songs, poems and concepts to analyze, unlimited presentations, short films, ads and projects to create and most of all, endure it all under the societal hood that has a pre-conceived notion that we either have a carnival running behind us or that we sit and bake cakes and sing rhymes all day.

For all you oh-so-cool-so-difficult-and-complex-to-study engineering students: No, we're not complaining. But there's a lot more to arts, you know?

My very good friend Deva adds, "If you want to talk about English, read Neruda, read Hemingway, read Doestovsky, read D.H Lawrence and read Blake. Then talk about it being not interesting or it being easy. I shall then consider listening to your argument."

Mind you, he's a CS student from IIT-M with an average GPA of 9.something.

P.s: You might've been right about the carnival bit. We are capable of creating one instead of endlessly groaning about the work load we tend to get.

-        Just Someone.